How to ape a Jersey Shorian

Sometimes when I am very bored and I feel my eyes glazing over, I find it ridiculously entertaining to flip back and forth between random channels. During one of these channel-flipping sessions, I wound up comparing a story about apes on the Discovery Channel to the cast of MTV’s hit show, “Jersey Shore.” Surprisingly, the story lines are interchangeable!

About an hour into this compare and contrast I forgot which program I was actually watching. Then I spotted the huge hump on the ape’s head and realized that it was in fact a beast known as Chewbacca, and the thing under it was a troll named Snooki. I was even more baffled and confused when I saw what they call “The fist pump.”

I did a bit of observation and decided to submerse myself into the culture of the apes. I have included a list of things that you can do at home to bring out the inner Jersey Shorian.

  • Stop washing your hair – Girls, you have to make sure that your bump-it looks like it has a Bump-ItTM. To get the most volume out of your hair, abstain from washing it. That way you get yesterday’s hair spray as well. Your hair should resemble the love child of Cher and Dolly Parton.
  • Feel the burn – Who needs skin anyway? You know you are doing your best when you are on the verge of getting melanoma skin cancer.

    It is rumored that Crayola made a deal with MTV to replace all of its peach crayons with orange due to the success of the show.

  • Get a guido cut – Before you even think about fist pumpin’, you have to have the appropriate hairdo. Gel it up man! What’s a ’do without the product? Invest in a blow dryer, they are no longer reserved for the women. Thanks, Jersey Shore, for giving me the courage to admit that I, too, use a blow dryer.
  • Bling out! – The bigger the bling on the ears, the better. Guys, you really want to look ambiguous when it comes to wardrobe. Sparkly should be your new favorite color. Steal your girlfriend’s diamond earrings or ask Grandma if you can borrow some of hers. Just don’t be offended when she asks to meet your boyfriend.
  • No more fancy words – Limit your vocabulary. Disregard everything you learned in high school English, with the exception of acronyms, these are really cool! You want everyday activities to sound like it could be a sandwich, i.e., BTP equals Bump it, Terrorize, and Pass out.
  • Attitude check – You can’t keep your mouth shut, you have to always say everything that is on your mind, its even better if you have no more than an eighth-grade education. After people meet you, you want them to ask themselves, “Did that person just get out of their second stint of Rehab, or are they on their way to jail?”

Once you have your hair did, your bling blanged, words dwiddled down, and have an ego bigger than your bump-it, you can finally give yourself a name.

I have observed that the most effective names on the Shore sound 90 percent negative and 10 percent positive, like the situation for example.

It could be a positive situation, but 90 percent of people associate a situation as a negative experience. Here are a few you can choose from: The Deception, Night Crawler, and The Dilemma.

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