Hate is the scariest mask
This year I felt like I needed to go all out for Halloween. I thought of many different costumes and nothing quite struck a chord. My body is in no shape to be the topless mechanic that I was hoping to be.
I stood in front of my mirror, trying to find a costume ideal that would suit me when I spotted the first sign of a wrinkle. My eyelids were droopy and my frown lines were beginning to be out of control! Oh Jesus, this is what I get for sinning, isn’t it?
So I did what any normal person does: I entertained the thought of plastic surgery. I lifted my eyebrows with my fingers to their highest point. Then I realized that I could be Joan Rivers. Halloween crisis solved!
There were few things that I really needed for this outlandish costume. I needed gaudy clothing, a blatantly cruel sense of humor, and a face-lift. I then realized that I had already two of the three – so who needed a costume when I was Joanie every day?
Back to the drawing board I went. I am not going to lie – I seriously thought about being a Scary Mary, but that idea frightened me far too much.
I got upset when I realized that none of my costume ideas were original. I needed something out of control, something cutting edge, crass, almost offensive. Of course, the most horrifying group of Americans came to mind: Westboro Baptist Church members.
Members of Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas picket at funerals of soldiers, in addition to other government functions. They say that the country is being punished by God for allowing homosexuals to be in the military. Obviously, these people have, in addition to ghastly morals, awful window treatments, horrible haircuts, and lack-luster wardrobes.
With my hands shaking faster than a pixie stick addict, I dialed the number for some of the most terrifying monsters that you will ever meet.
“Westboro Baptist Church, if you are a homo hang up.”
I decided that this was a dead give away that the person on the phone was a little troll and wouldn’t help me much in my quest.
Upon further research without the help of the Westboro Baptist Church, I realized that this group of people are also featured on the website peopleofwalmart.com.
The next step was making awful signs that are undeniably offensive. I went where they did to find hateful quotations: the Bible.
After reading the Bible I discovered that their words of hate were completely taken out of context. This awesomely inspiring book doesn’t say anything about hating homosexuals, and in fact doesn’t condone hate at all.
I decided to abort this mission and instead put the truth on my signs: “We are the Westboro Baptist Church, and we make up lies about the Bible and God’s love.”
This exercise gave me a little bit more courage to someday stand up to this awful group of people, but until then, I’ll show how stupid they are by mocking them with their clothing choices.