Muffin tops are for bakers

When walking around campus sometimes, all I can think about is muffins: strawberry, raspberry, apple crisp, oatmeal raisin, and let’s not forget double chocolate. The smell begins to tickle my nose. I can feel the grainy texture massaging my tongue. After fantasizing over the delicacy we call the muffin, I ask myself where these random thoughts of desire came from.

Then it hits me: the girl walking in front of me is sporting a jumbo muffin top, with extra top. Then I glance at her pink Aéropostale hoodie, and wow, those back rolls covered in the pink hoodie make me give up on the thoughts of a muffin. This lady is an all out pink birthday cupcake!

This is an all-too familiar image here at CSC. Just as there are different flavors of muffins, there are also different types of muffin tops.

First, there is the slight over-hang. This one is the most forgivable and also the most popular of all the muffin tops. She is the girl who may work out twice a week. However she counts the free ice cream at the cafeteria as a replacement for calcium.

The original muffin top is slightly bigger. Here in about a month we will have an overload of the original muffin top, as the Freshman Fifteen makes its presence known.

The jumbo top belongs to the double cheeseburger eating, ranch-raised, three-times-a-day dessert Nebraskan girl. Most of the time, this girl denies being anything bigger than a size eight. She usually has become victim of not only the muffin top, but other lumpy issues as well. Jumbo top buys new tennis shoes not to work out in, but because her heels either don’t fit or are broken due to her massive over-hang.

Does this sound like a girl you know? Be a friend and give her my tips for the week.

• Denial – The first step is denial. Does this sound like you? Do you have to lie down on your bed or stretch out your jeans to get them to fit over your baby elephant legs? Own up to your problem, and move to the next tip.
• Exercise – Get active, five days a week for 30 minutes a day and you’ll reduce that jumbo top in no time at all.
• Size Yourself Up – If you are a size 14 wearing a size 10, you are going to look like an 18. This kind of arithmetic should be common knowledge!
• Neutral Colors – Don’t wear anything on top that is going to make people think of frosting, fruit, or any other sort of food. Wear black, navy, grays, and maybe purple. Leave the bright colors to the accessories—for now, dark shades are your flattering friends.

Now, readers, you may think that I am an arrogant rip and may completely discredit what I have to say in this article.

Before you do, I would like to share with you that I was a proud owner of the jumbo top and 90 excess pounds only two short years ago, but now I parade around with only a slight over-hang. I know it can be hard, and I know it hurts to hear it sometimes, but remember you must be honest with yourself to make a positive change.

It’s also important to remember that whatever size you may be, and whatever muffin top you are sporting, it’s what’s in the muffin that makes it so divine.