How-to survive the zombie apocalypse

You awake one morning to a deafening silence. You turn on the television to find that an annoying rainbow and high pitch squeals have now taken up residence on your flat screen. You open your front door to find cars strewn across roads and yards. The smell of death lingers in the air, but you’re not worried.

No. You have been preparing for this for your entire life. The day has finally come. This is the first day of zombie season, and you have tags to fill.

The walking dead is our homecoming theme this year at CSC, and many people are developing plans to fight off the brain-munchers. I’ve heard some plans people have composed and shared with their friends. I’ve heard some good ones where they’d have a chance. I’ve heard many bad ideas that give my grandmother with two hip surgeries, arthritis, and oxygen a better chance in comparison. I’m here to help you. Read on and you might survive.

If everyone were going to survive the zombie apocalypse then it wouldn’t be an apocalypse, would it? It would be known as the “Slight Zombie Annoyance of [Insert Year Here].” So far recent real-life attacks have been people who had the sudden urge to gnaw on human faces. There was the Face Fiasco in Florida, or driver Dong devouring Du’s delicious dial in China. So there have been attacks; the time is coming.

We live in rural America, so that gives us a distinct advantage. Unless cows and horses can be infected, I don’t see disasters. We’ll hear of the outbreak, hopefully, with some time to spare. The first thing I usually hear is talk about where someone would hold up and make a defensive ground against the horde.

Oh yes, please hold still in a place with limited amount of resources while the rest of us escape. You are the pizza, trapped in an oven, and the undead plague is just waiting to capture and eat you. You must stay alert.

Setting up a defensive structure is probably not your best idea unless you find a military outpost or large civilization with howitzers for doormen. So what do you do? Jump in your car, hit the interstate, and cruise on out of zombie country, of course. Wrong! You and every other panicky individual trying to escape will be bottled on the interstate. It takes one person that decided to not say anything about a little zombie nibble, and BOOM!, your back-seat driver is now a back-of-your-head eater. You need allies, you need to take the road less traveled, and you need to move as a unit.

Move slow and steady to make sure that you don’t draw attention, stay together and you can readily defend yourselves. You may have someone, or many people, that have no skill or ability whatsoever. No one, and I repeat no one, is bad zombie bait.

Also remember that if you have someone causing drama, panicking, and being an all-around tool, your life is at stake. No one will think twice if you happen to leave them tied to a tree or they just happen to be bitten by a zombie no one saw. Just do it quickly and quietly and pretend it never happened.

Weapons are something else that needs to be discussed, because more often than not, people are picking up something that they don’t need. You say you want a fifty-caliber sniper rifle, eh? Yes, so you can alert the zombies to where you are and stir the brain-gobbling hornet’s nest.

A small caliber, large magizine, maneuverable, and easily maintainable weapon is your best bet. Also remember that blades don’t need reloading, but they do need to be sharpened from time to time. Also bows are silent, ammo is retrievable, and who doesn’t look awesome whilst wielding a bow, especially when it comes to killing zombies?

These are just a few survival tips that I can offer, but there are many other strategies that may work better for you. Who am I to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do? Who knows? I’ve told my friends the same thing. With that, I wish you luck during the rise of the undead. Happy Hunting!