Fashion faux pas are a lady’s best friend
Yesterday, a friend asked me what my biggest fashion pet peeve was. While many images flashed through my brain, I hesitated to answer. Why you ask? Mostly because I have committed every pet peeve I could think of. Yes, how hypocritical of me, I know. However, I realized that every fashion faux pas could not only be explained, but justified. So here we go, into the belly of the beast. Yes, that’s right. I’m about to explain the cognitive process of…a woman.
UGG boots and shorts – This simply translates into “I want to show off some leg, but full leg is just too much.” This look simply gives off a casual, I’m-an-outdoorsy-girl impression. Don’t believe me? How many times have you braided your hair or simply wore your hair straight with minimal-to-no-make-up with this outfit? Okay then, let’s move on.
On the contrary, the sister outfit to UGG boots and shorts: the riding boots and dress/skirt outfit has the opposite impression. If you’re wearing riding boots and a dress/skirt, things are about to get real, real fast. Go change the world, you trendy girl, you.
Sweater and shorts – woman translation: “It’s warm, but not THAT warm.” This outfit simply allows a woman to show off a body part she is proud of, but doesn’t have the desire to freeze all day. No one questions jeans and a tank top and isn’t that the reverse of this questionable outfit selection? That’s like saying you can wear black pants and a white shirt but a black shirt and white pants are unacceptable. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Full make-up and curled hair and sweatpants/hoodie combination- woman translation: non-existent. I can’t explain this, nor do I want to. Please don’t do this unless, of course, you just haven’t got dressed yet. In that case, for goodness sakes don’t go to class/outside like this. Ever.
Last, but certainly not least, the everlasting question as to why women may or may not take a guy’s sweatpants/short/hoodie collection with no intention of returning such items. I researched for hours trying to explain the reasoning behind such a question. I analyzed multiple possible theories in order to give you the most scientific explanation available. I researched the possibility that maybe woman take and wear items from men in order to “mark their territory.” This might be a woman’s way of saying “he’s mine so I’d greatly appreciate if you would not speak to him.” However, there were a few holes in this theory…mostly because it falls under the three Cs category: creepy, crazy, clingy. I researched a few other theories, theories which I won’t share because I feel like you would not only question my credibility, but also my sanity. That’s when it came to me. The eureka moment when I realized the answer had been right in front of me this whole time. If you don’t handle shocking news well, I suggest you casually get up and walk to a place of seclusion to continue reading. Make sure you make it casual, you don’t want people to think your actions are controlled by a column and the “reading voice” inside your head. The reason women take guy’s sweatpants/shorts/hoodies is because, wait for it, they’re free and comfortable. Why do woman like free and comfortable things? I don’t know, maybe because we’re human.
If you feel like this week’s column was information overload, I understand. This is pretty heavy stuff. Thus, I hereby grant you the excuse to lie out in the sun, in your shorts and UGGs, and ponder your inner fashion thoughts for the rest of the day. If you feel the need to thank me, I prefer silver jewelry to gold and daisies are my favorite kind of flower. Have a fantastically fashion forward day, readers.