Start a glorious internet relationship

When I first heard of the concept of internet relationships, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I never understood how two people could have a stable and functioning relationship when they live a thousand miles apart.

I always figured that one or the other would give in and go out one night on a quest to meet other men or women. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case most of the time. Believe it or not, it seems that long distance relationships are on the rise, thanks to social networking. Ironically, most of my Facebook friends are people I have met this way. So, if you want to start an internet relationship, just follow this simple guide and you’ll be stalking the opposite sex in no time!

First thing you will want to do is find random people. I’m sure that all of us at one point have given in to boredom and end up browsing the site Omegle, so use that as a good starting spot. If you haven’t heard of this place, it’s probably for the best; sometimes there are things you see that weren’t meant for the human eye. However, once in a while, you will come across a pretty cool person and end up talking for a bit.

From there, the conversation will end in one of two ways; either you exchange contact information, or one of you gets bored and hits the “next” button. In the rare event that you do exchange contact information, then congratulations, you’ve taken your first step towards an internet relationship.

At first it seems kind of weird to know that there is someone who lives in Arkansas that can see everything you are posting, even though you have never met them in real life. Most of the time you are probably worrying about whether they are posting your pictures on another site where patrons rate who is pretty and who isn’t. Oddly enough, this seems to be a pretty common thing in modern society.

The real freaky thing about it is sometimes random people will trace the origin of a photo and find that person’s contact information. This act is referred to as “doxing” and is considered to be illegal (pro tip: this is why you make sure that only friends can see your info). Thankfully most of the time, there is never really an issue like that.

The next step towards starting your internet relationship is to creep on their page and find out if you have any mutual interests. If you are one of those people who say “I would never do that,” then I have some bad news for you: everyone has been guilty of doing this at one point or another, whether it be a good friend they have had for years, or someone they have just met.

Once you have established common interests, all you need to do is pester them for the next millennium until they actually respond. However, the only response they may be capable of is “Please go away, I’m scared.”

If that’s the case, then you might be better off staying off your computer for a few days, or a few months… maybe a few years, for good measure. Or just type “please respond” over and over.