Head to Head: Columnists clash over complaining

In the last opinion article I wrote about how athletes should never take the game they play for granted and how they should enjoy every opportunity they get to play.

I still stand by that statement, but now I’m going to preach almost the same lesson to people in everyday life.

I was recently challenged by a Facebook friend of mine to go 24 hours without complaining and I took the challenge, it wasn’t easy, but I did it. The challenge said, “Go 24 hours without complaining and see how your life changes.” The challenge didn’t lie.

What I noticed when I was on my 24 hours of no complaining was everyone else’s complaining. “Just shoot me.” “Kill me now.” “Drive me off a cliff.” Those were some of the more dramatic complaining I heard. During this 24 hours I realized just how harsh those sayings are.

I hear them all the time now, and I probably did before, I just didn’t register them. Think of what those words mean to people who have had either a friend or family member actually shoot themselves, or who were murdered, or who did have a car accident.

I do know people who were shot and who were killed in car accidents, when I hear those things I think, why do they get to say those things and still stay on this Earth, whereas, those I loved were taken even though they had never said they wanted to leave this Earth?

There are some people who you can just tell deserve to be here. They are the people who make everyone else feel better just by they way they act and how they talk. They are those people who have multitudes of friends around them at all times.

I’ve recently realized something about those people; they don’t complain like the rest of us. They love everything about this life and it seems to me that it’s those people who actually have the most difficult situations sent their way.

I have an aunt who lives in a different state than I do, so she is always sending us messages updating us on her family’s situation. She has five kids and two grandkids.

With this family the saying, “No news is good news,” rings true because it seems like every month one member of the family is in the hospital for some reason or another.

I bring this up, because my aunt is one of the happiest, most loving people I’ve ever met. She is one of those people who make others feel better about themselves just by her demeanor. She doesn’t complain or whine about her family situation, she just takes it and tries to find the good in all of it.

YOLO is another expression I noted multiple times in my 24 hours. YOLO stands for “you only live once,” but I like the expression Carpe diem (seize the day) better because even though yes, you are only granted one life (if you don’t believe in reincarnation, which I don’t), I think you are supposed to live each day.

Everyday you wake up should be a new one; it should be refreshing and exciting. Granted, not everyday can be the best day ever, but if you get out of bed in the morning with the idea that this is a new day and today I am going to make the most of it, you probably won’t complain as much through the day.

I’m a strong believer that your attitude determines your actions; if you believe you have a new day ahead of you everyday, you will. Sure, this is easier said that done and it won’t always be easy, I get that, but isn’t it worth a shot?

Life is precious; those of us who waste time complaining and whining about every tiny, little detail aren’t embracing all this life has to offer.

Stop complaining, take off the blinders, see the world and enjoy it! Even if you don’t think you can completely give up complaining, which I’m still struggling with, just try the challenge I took: Go 24 hours without complaining and see how your life changes.

My favorite restaurant in Chadron has a sign that reads, “If we don’t know about it, we can’t fix it.”

That’s important, especially when I look at how many businesses put profit in the driver’s seat and throw quality control out the window. I really like that sign for some reason, not that I have ever had any complaints about the service there, it’s beyond reproach. I like that message because it calls out something stupid in my behavior.

I’m an unpleasant customer when I go out to eat.  If the server brings me something that I didn’t order, I make a big scene…

…by politely eating my food with a quiet smile. When they check on me to see if I need anything, I seize the opportunity to really let them have it. I take a deep breath; I look straight down at my plate, and I say, “No, thank you.”

It’s only when the bill comes that I finally get my revenge: I leave behind a handsome tip, usually about 40 percent of the ticket. That’ll show ‘em.

It might sound like I’m the ideal customer, but I’m not doing any favors by avoiding complaining. I’m not helping that server better their service, I’m not helping the cooks or the owners better their food, and I’m certainly not helping myself; after all, I pay good money for a satisfying meal.

Why do I do that, then? It’s probably because I’m a complacent push-over and I pass off mediocre treatment as though I deserve it. Part of this is deeply buried social anxiety, but I think the other half is silent guilt that comes from growing up in a Catholic household, where heaven literally forbids you complain. I used to convince myself, “Christ was nailed to a cross for you; the least you could do is be grateful and eat your fish sandwich without making a fuss.”

It wasn’t until I joined the Marines that I heard the phrase, “Questions, Comments, Concerns?” What followed resembled a cricket chorus. Complaints were met with tough love; “I found you a straw, now suck it the f*** up.”

That mentality resonated well for a neurotic punishment junkie like me. I like to attack my problems, rather than coddle them into submission. However, I had a First Sergeant along the way who followed the cricket-chirps with another expression. “No complaints? Silence is acceptance.”

The first time I heard him say that, it had powerful effect on me. If you are in a leadership position, you are obligated to look after the people you lead. I learned that if I had a problem, it was perfectly okay to talk about it, and if people approached me with problems, I owed them my ears. Most people suck at mind reading, and complaining is the first step to letting someone know a problem exists.

So let’s examine this “no complaining” challenge that my colleague is asking us to take. On the surface it seems innocuous and well-intentioned.  But let’s look at the potential positive and negative effects of what this challenge is really asking us to do.

First, the challenge is asking you to shut up for 24 hours. This isn’t about you or your happiness at all. That’s not the point here; no one gives a damn about you. Get over yourself, you entitled narcissist.

By abstaining from complaining, you start to notice other people’s problems. Some of those complaints seem petty and disgusting, as she points out. But the biggest problem with communication is that we listen with the intent to respond, rather than to understand.

Instead of judging people who complain, maybe you should stop and ask them what’s wrong. Maybe you ought to actually listen to their complaints and offer an increasingly rare gift: compassionate understanding. That’s the positive effect the “Stop Complaining Challenge” has to bring.

Now here’s the negative. Whenever someone commits suicide, the first thing we usually hear is that nobody saw it coming. Speaking from personal experience, I’m not surprised by this. Depression makes you blame yourself for your problems; you feel that you don’t “deserve to be here.” And the crux of my argument is bitter and ironic: you feel trapped and that complaining about your pain will only make things worse.

Life is precious, but the “stop complaining” mentality doesn’t change anything for the better. Making complaints taboo asks you to ignore suffering as one of life’s uncomfortable truths and creates an unnecessary spiral of silence.

Silencing complaints only marginalizes those who feel pain instead of giving them the power to ask for the help they need.