The toxicity of needing academic validation

In the first year of my college career, I found myself in a vicious cycle of needing constant academic validation. 

My identity as a student was directly tied to my grades, and one “bad grade” would guarantee a bad day. In short, it felt like my world was slowly crumbling in around me because I was so grade focused.

At the very height of my validation fixation, I placed studying and homework above eating and sleeping and had alienated myself from friends and family. 

I also lashed out at others and was not the best version of myself during this period. There came a point when I was checking the grade book multiple times a day and I shifted my entire world so that my grades were the most important priority in my life. 

From the outside, I was excelling academically, but I was a disaster waiting to happen on the inside.

Unknowingly, I had created mental roadblocks in my education because I was trying to seek perfection. 

Finally, there came the point where I questioned whether I actually understood the material or just knew how to play into the education system. My primary goal during this first year was to complete every assignment, project, and test as close to perfection as possible.

When reflecting on academia and the education system, students place too much pressure upon themselves to do the best and be the best. 

Academia should instill a love of learning rather than wreck our esteems and mental health. Academic culture incentivizes students to work hard but also molds students into an unrealistic cycle of perfectionism.

In my case, these grade-based incentives created a fear of failure, and I was a ticking-time bomb of stress and unmanageable expectations.

I thought I could compensate for my fear of failure by overcommitting myself to work and extracurricular activities. 

In short, having a filled calendar only made my situation worse. I was stretched too thin and felt overwhelmed at all times of the day. 

I seriously contemplated whether it was worth continuing my education.

While my past experiences were extreme, I think we all struggle to find a healthy balance. I overcame these thoughts through self-reflection and looked to my professors and adviser for guidance. 

I would highly encourage others to sever the ties between your grades and your happiness. 

Your mental health should always be a top priority, even in the most stressful academic situations.

As we begin to approach finals week, I find myself slipping into these validatory tendencies and I would like to remind us of all to be kind to ourselves. 

Exams, projects, and presentations are not a fair assessment of our intelligence and worth. 

Know that self-growth is never linear and should not be tied to academic achievement. Take a few deep breaths, give yourself some grace, and know that what appears in the grade book is not a reflection of your value.